The Science of Letting Go
In this episode of Just Call Jenna, Jenna explores the science of letting go and why releasing a relationship, job, dream, old identity, or need for control can feel so difficult. Letting go isn’t simply an emotional decision—it can involve retraining a brain that naturally associates familiarity with safety and uncertainty with danger. The stories we repeatedly tell ourselves can become deeply ingrained, but our brains are capable of change. By choosing new perspectives and creating new patterns, we can gradually reshape those narratives and begin making space for something different.
Watch the episode here
Listen to the episode here
Jenna also looks at letting go through the lens of the nervous system, spirituality, and trust. The discomfort that comes with change isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong—it can be the nervous system responding to the loss of what once felt safe. Through compassion, presence, intentional breathing, and releasing what we can no longer control one piece at a time, we can teach ourselves that uncertainty doesn’t have to mean danger. Letting go isn’t about forgetting, denying our feelings, or pretending something didn’t matter; it’s about loosening our grip on what we cannot control and trusting ourselves to move through whatever comes next without losing who we are.
---
Welcome back. Today I'm gonna talk about something that's scares a lot of us, the science of letting go. What's happening inside your brain when you're letting go? Because we all I think understand spiritually we need to do that. So Today we're talking about something that sounds simple and yet can be one of the hardest things that we have to do. Things that we never do because we just want to hold on. And that's letting go.
Maybe it's a relationship, a job, a dream that you that didn't unfold the way you wanted it to Something that you hope for that didn't happen, and you're hanging on to what should have been. A version of you that no longer fits this life you're building. It can be anger Fear, guilt, the need to control every outcome. These are all heavy things that we need to set down.
Just imagine, like if you're a bird and you're carrying a big sack of bricks You need to set down the weight so you can fly.
Your growth, your expansion looks a lot like that. We often think that letting go is an emotional decision, but neuroscience Shows us something else. It's actually a biological process. There is a process that needs to happen in your body to let things go. When we understand what's happening in our brain we can stop judging ourselves and beating ourselves up and start working with our minds instead of against them.
Your brain's primary mission is to keep you alive. It's not there to make you happy. It doesn't care if something's good or bad for you. It's going to repeat, repeat, repeat, because that's going to keep you alive. It's not wired to help you find your purpose. It's literally wired to detect threats and avoid uncertainty. That's how it keeps you alive by predicting what's gonna happen that's unsafe and how do I keep you alive? That's your brain's primary mission.
So Scientifically, in your brain, you're having to hold on to things. Your brain is gonna help you do that. It actually wants to hold on to things by making up fantasizing stories all the time.
Even if something's unhealthy for you, if it's familiar, your brain often labels it as safe.
So, you know, you see people stuck in toxic relationships, toxic jobs, bad situations, or going back to things that they will literally tell you, I know this is bad for me. You've done it too. I've done it. I know this person, place, or thing is bad for me and you keep going back to it because that is exactly what your brain is designed to do. It labels something as Safe because it's familiar.
In a previous episode, I talked about like a pathway. There's no pathway. And then you walk one and you walk it a hundred times. Suddenly it's the only pathway available. Well, your brain has labeled that pathway as safe. Even if it's got Snakes and snails and puppy dogtails in its way. Like it's unsafe for you, but your brain says, hey, I know how to do this, so just repeat, repeat, repeat, whether that's good or bad.
There's more info on comfort zones in another episode of keeping you stuck or keeping you where you're at status quo. This is why people will stay in draining jobs or relationships that harm them, patterns that no longer serve them. It's because the familiar requires less energy than the unknown. So how do you let that go? Because your brain is trying to stick with what's Familiar, what's the pathway? What's the right thing to do?
Your brain already has a map and creating a new map takes effort And your brain is designed to be extremely efficient. It would like to take the energy spent over here in problem solving and put it towards biological processes happening in your body that you're not even aware of, like breathing, digesting, all those things that your body does. Your brain is controlling that. There's a section that does that. Taking in information from sight, sounds, smells, and processing them. Your brain has to do a lot of things. And so the more it can automate and become efficient, that's what it's designed to do.
So how do you let things go? Because holding on to it is familiar to the brain. It's going to label that as safe, even if it's unhealthy for you, because it's familiar It's why letting go can feel physically uncomfortable. Like knots in your stomach, cold sweats, anything that goes at You are going to probably have biological reactions to letting something go because we cling to things. We just cling to them. It's a natural human thing because it's familiar to the brain.
Letting go is actually physically painful
So how do you do that? You're not changing your circumstances. You're asking your brain to build new neural pathways when you set up something down. You're asking your brain to work and it does not want to do that. It wants to do what it already knows. Your brain is going to keep you safe by predicting what comes next It does not want to learn something new.
Neuroscience actually reminds us that the brain is capable of change. It can make new pathways. That's neuroplasticity. Spirituality reminds us that our true nature is not fear, it's love, it's peace, it's calm. But we live in fear when it's outside of our comfort zone when something feels unfamiliar. So it's natural to see yourself have scientific or biologic reactions to letting go of something So how are we going to do that?
Your brain loves stories. Your brain is a great storyteller. I bet you can think of a time when you made up a story in your head or you thought you knew what was happening and then when you communicated with the other person found out you were desperately wrong. Your brain likes to cling to things. It's a stage five clinger to what's predictable. Every experience becomes a narrative, a story I wasn't good enough. I always get hurt. I have to do everything myself. These are all things that you teach your brain to repeat.
I bet if you think and really think, the voice that you hear telling you you're not good enough you can't is probably been there for For a very long time. And it's probably not even true. It's just a story you told yourself.
The more you repeat those stories, the stronger they become, and eventually they stop feeling like thoughts and they actually start to feel like facts. Think about that. If you tell yourself I'm not good enough, you tell yourself bad enough It's actually going to become a fact in your life. So how do you let that go? Neuroscience tells us that our thoughts are not permanent. The neural pathways strengthen through repetition and they weaken when they're no longer used.
This was something I learned real life experience when healing from the stroke. When they told me that I could barely get up. I mean I couldn't even shower by myself. I needed help to e eat but they explained to me that if I didn't push myself and make those muscles work that those muscles would eventually stop working and sort of atrophy and I would be s Stuck that way. Now, they told me I could always train it to work, but if I didn't use it, I was going to lose it. The same is true for our thoughts Patterns and everything.
If you start replacing the negative thoughts like I'm not good enough with thoughts that are I can do it, I'm someone who, you start replacing those, you will weaken the pathways of those I'm not good enough thoughts that future you will find it easier to not think those. You will make new pathways and new stories in your brain So talk about, you know, these learnings. Talk about what you're learning. Talk about it with your circle and the people you care about. It really does mean that what you think, 90% of it you're gonna think tomorrow
So why wouldn't you start thinking the thoughts about the life you want?
Yes, you can accept reality. I'm not saying go complete delulu and you know think that you're not living in reality. Accept where you're at But decide what thoughts you don't want to carry with you into the future. Be someone who and start creating those pathways because the more you strengthen those, the more you will weaken the ones that are not helping you get to where you want to go Every time you choose a different perspective, you're beginning to reshape your brain. You're stretching your comfort zone. You're becoming this person who.
It doesn't happen overnight. I think that's The misconception. I'm not gonna tell you that this is gonna happen overnight, that just because today you start thinking something and a new thought, that it's gonna start becoming you. But you repeat that thought, that new thought, that new story, you repeat it over and over again. You're sort of unwiring the bad thoughts and wiring the new one So you can absolutely create what you want to do.
If I went from creating a completely stressed out hustle lifestyle to peace and joy and calm, if I can do that as the control freak I am. You can absolutely rewire yourself to let go of the things that are harming you. You get to choose what those are. What's harming me in my life is not the same thing as what's harming you in your life, but be willing to accept. that something is not good for you and your accountability of it and just set it down. Easier said than done.
Except that you're probably gonna have some biologic risk responses to that, but many spiritual traditions teach us that attachment is the source of suffering. So yes, you're gonna suffer because you're clinging to it. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't love deeply.
It just means that we suffer when we believe that our peace depends on something external.
We suffer because we think oh everything will be better when I have this when I do this when when when when when why not now you hold the cards And the control of your life. You get to decide what your brain repeats. You get to choose that. So choose what you want.
When we cling to the outcome, when we create resistance, and when we surrender to that, we just create Space. Just create space. If COVID taught anything, six feet apart, space to move your hands. Surrender is not about giving up. It's trusting that life can unfold beautiful, even when it's different than when we imagined. Because we're clinging to something. Our view is very narrow. Like the horses at Disneyland wearing the blinders, right? You only see that tunnel vision. You're not seeing the whole picture.
Just be willing to set things down and take off the blinders and open your eyes and see how much space there is. Letting go is not about losing something. It's about making space for other things that you could not imagine when your mind is full. So let's break that down and really think about it. I mean, I went through a horrible divorce years ago, and I can remember me then thought it was the end of the world. Oh my god, what if, what if, what if. I was ruminating those And I repeated them until one day I, you know, this was long before the stroke, but I'm just done with this. I'm done thinking this, was willing to set it down.
The other day someone brought it up to me and it It's been over 10 years, but I was just like, I can remember the me then that thought that it would never end and that would be the end of me and everything was so horrible now that I've had that space it was just a season and because I set down that anger or always a never talk I Set it down and it didn't happen overnight, but now it's been over ten years and I'm like, wait, I was married, what? But it takes that time and s space to sort of dilute it.
I can remember I watched this video for a psychology thing where this woman took a picture of clear water and she dropped Four drops of green food coloring in it, and the pitcher turned green. Then she took a pitcher of clear water and started pouring in another until it overflowed. It took so long for that water to return to almost clear and it still had some tinges of green, but the whole psychological point of that was it takes this much to dilute and get the space and like look you're never gonna be this same it changed you but you can get as close to your natural state as possible so I think about that when I think about things Letting go.
How much can I set down and how quickly can I return to my natural state?
I may not get back to that clear glass picture. I may have some tinges of green left, but the more I sat down, the more I give space for my container to dilute. I want you to think about that. What are you clinging so tightly to that it's ruminating and it's It's the last thing you think about when you go to bed and the first thing in the morning. It's time to find a way to set that down.
And yes, understand you're gonna have some probably physical reactions because it's become so familiar, but you gotta start creating those neural pathways now or you're gonna be a year from now still clinging to that thing so tightly. Do you like how it feels? If not, you might have to figure out a way to set that down. When you're nervous system is holding on to things, it gets braced for impact. That's survival mode. Fight, flight, fawn.
So when we let go our nervous system Often has a reaction as though we've lost safety. Your brain as the control is going to go, hey, this is not safe. How do I keep you safe? I've been clinging to this thing, letting it go hurts It might actually hurt. It's why your heart races, why you overthink. You replay the conversations at 2 a. m.
Your nervous system is not sabotaging you, it's actually protecting you.
It's going to go danger, danger in the amygdala. It's gonna ring off every alarm bell that this is not safe. You have to be willing to let it go. But how do we do that? I've been thinking about this thing for two weeks straight. Last thing before bed, right? First thing in the morning, ruminating all day. It's all life Think about how do I let it go?
Well, you start with reframe. That's the first step. You gotta reframe it. Instead of criticizing yourself, first take out always and never and speak to yourself with some compassion. This hurts my feelings. I'm a human being. It's okay that this relationship is not working out. Yes, I poured everything I have into this relationship, this job, this person, this place or thing. I gave it all I had and I didn't get what I want out of it. So I'm willing to let it go before it hurts anymore. Right?
That's the first step. You gotta reframe it. Just Just give yourself compassion. I'm human. It didn't work out the way I wanted to. I did the best I could do and it still didn't work for me. Start talking to yourself with compassion.
Don't be so mean to yourself. There's enough people in the world to do that for you.
I know this feels uncertain. But uncertainty is okay. It doesn't mean danger. Tell your body that out loud. This feels uncertain. This feels Scary and that doesn't mean that I'm in danger. Like, but did you die? No. Did it hurt? Probably. But is it danger?
And then you can start speaking to yourself with some compassion. Okay, I didn't die from this. It wasn't the worst case scenario. But every time I'm around this person, they hurt. my feelings so just start backing away reframing it you're allowed to set boundaries you're allowed to do this i survived this thing before i can survive this too.
I mean maybe many of you aren't like me and I survived a stroke and learned how to walk and talk again. Maybe you don't have to do all that, but I've survived a breakup before. I'll survive this one too. I've survived getting fired from a job, I will survive this one too. I survived missing a bill in the past and I'll survive this one too. I've survived I can survive this too.
Reframe it and talk to yourself with compassion. Give yourself a little pep talk. You need to be your biggest fan. You deserve to love yourself because Peace actually begins in the present. One of the biggest obstacles of letting go is living everywhere but in the present moment. We replay the past, we rehearse what the future should be and get our game plan going up, trying to predict it, causing all kinds of Of anxiety. Yet peace is waiting for us right now.
Many spiritual traditions talk to you about living in the present. Just take a breath and be here. Get in your body. Just Just be okay. You don't have to cling to that thing. Stop living in the past and the future.
My dad used to say something to me now the man's been gone a long time, but one of his favorites was don't put one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow because you're gonna fall flat on your, you know what, today. So I think about that a lot because that was the way I was raised. It's just just be here now. The gift is the this is the present. They call it a present for a reason. You maybe have heard that. But just Just be. Let it be okay that the past was not perfect and you don't know what's gonna happen in the future.
Just be willing to Set down everything that shouldn't go with you in the future.
It takes a lot of courage, and I applaud you for anything you're willing to let go of today. You do it because right now is not perfect, but because this is where you have all of your personal power. You have the power of your next thought, your next breath your next step take control of your life let go of what you don't have control of and just be here right now and if all you can do is just Inhale and exhale, that's a great start.
A simple practice that I always recommend to all my clients and everybody I work with is just take a Slow breath in and gently breathe out longer. Breathe in for four and out for six. Ask yourself, what am I carrying that is not serving me what is here that I don't want to take with me in the future again anxiety is a lot about what trying to predict the future and what's gonna happen. Well you can't predict that and trying to control it is just gonna drive you nuts.
But you do have the power to say these things that are with me today, I do not want to take them with me.
And that's part of the science of letting it go. Just being willing to set them down. Understand you're gonna have a reaction because it's not safe to let go of what's predictable. Again, your brain will take 90% of the thoughts you have today into tomorrow So you have the power right now to change what you're thinking so that tomorrow works better.
And like that picture, diluting. There's a time buffer, but eventually you'll get there so just ask yourself what is so great and heavy today that I'm carrying it and I don't want to take it with me. Picture yourself holding a heavy bag full of bricks Like a bagpack just full of bricks. Just take out one brick. Doesn't matter which one it is. You're not emptying the whole bag, but just one brick and s Set it down.
How do you feel? I bet you all just felt lighter in your bodies and in your mind. So just imagine that your life is a bag full of bricks. What bricks Can you sit down? You know, does it change your breathing? Do your shoulders soften? Do you feel lighter?
Congratulations, you just told your nervous system it It's safe to let something go.
An imaginary brick. A lot easier to let go of than that ruminating thought that you're clinging to. But it's the same idea. It doesn't matter whether it's good or bad. Just take Take away those things that you're carrying that you don't have to.
The freedom of trust, it doesn't mean that you'll never experience pain again. I mean, unfortunately, life's gonna keep life. It means that you believe you'll have the strength to meet whatever comes next to you. Resiliency is not about avoiding change. It's about moving through it without losing yourself. So just that confidence. Talk to yourself with compassion. Breathe deeper.
Letting go is not forgetting. It's not pretending something didn't or doesn't matter. I'm not saying fake it till you make it. It's not about denying your feelings.
It's about releasing your grip on what you can no longer control and embracing what you can't.
It's about saying, I don't like this. I mean we all know a person, place, or thing that is harmful to us. Yet we keep going back. It's like banging your head on the wall so many times your forehead gets flat. So letting go is not about forgetting. I don't forget how people have harmed me, but I do sort of forgive them and say I'm not gonna carry this brick around.
I just realize that this person, place or thing isn't going to change and it's going to continue to harm me in some way, shape or form. Therefore I'm not gonna pick it back up and just set a boundary. I don't have to be mean and fight it or do any of that. I'm just gonna set it down, just like that bag of bricks What bricks can I set down? Because future me wants to be carrying a lot lighter of a bag than I'm carrying today.
Life is going to give me more bricks no matter what I do. So how many of them can I set down to leave space in my bat? Think about it from that way. It's not forgetting, it's just setting it down. So be willing to set some things down. And just know your brain and your nervous system is going to fight you on that because whether something's Good or bad for you, your brain and your nervous system want to cling to what's familiar. And letting go is not familiar.
But if you don't let go today, you are gonna have this brick with you in 10 years so you take some accountability and decide what you're willing to let go. Thanks for joining today. Remember karma's real energy is contagious. Check your vibes
I now have my workbook available for purchase on my website, justcalljenna.online There's a shop button. You can purchase the workbook that shows you seven days of how to start resetting your stress level. It's downloadable. You're not getting some book. You can just download it and print it on your printer or use it on your phone.
For many of my listeners I've been getting emails and comments about people asking how to get started without choosing to have coaching or lifelong sessions, if you will. Purchase it. It will give you the momentum to get started. And then if you need more support, please reach out to me. All my contact information is on my website.
Comments